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How to Handle a Visit from the In-Laws
Alpha Books, a division of Dorling Kindersley TM Limited
A Penguin Random House Company
So your in-laws are 1-________________________ … and you’re not exactly thrilled, or are having anxiety about it. In-law visits can be pleasant when you’re armed with a few tricks to manage some of those sticky situations. Here is some helpful advice to help your next in-law visit be a manageable one.
Before the Visit
You and your spouse can plan ahead and take important steps to ensure a great visit 2-______________________ in-laws arrive:
1.Take charge of scheduling the visit. When in-laws come for a visit, schedule their visit when it is the most convenient for your family. Do not permit in-laws or other family members to tell you 3-_____________________ to be staying at your house. Avoid scheduling a visit around times of the year that are the most hectic for you at work or at home. If you do invite your in-laws around a busy time of year, such as the holidays, plan ahead and get as many things done in advance as you can so their visit will be less stressful for you. If your in-laws live locally, set a time limit to their visit (spend just a few hours together) to avoid any painfully long or uncomfortable visits.
2.For your privacy and theirs, decide where your in-laws will stay. If your in-laws are coming from out of town and need a place to sleep, your spouse can suggest they may 4-___________________________ in a nearby hotel for more room and privacy. (You can even offer to pay for some of or all of the extra cost, depending on your budget.) If you decide they’ll stay with you, be sure that your in-laws’ bedroom is the farthest away from your bedroom. This will allow for you and your spouse to have as much privacy as possible during their visit.
3.Be a spouse first and a child second. Spouses usually feel torn when their parents come for a visit. They do not know whether to be a son or daughter, or a husband or wife. Very often they feel like they are put in the middle of disagreements 5-_______________________ and their spouse and don’t know how to handle conflict. In a healthy marriage, each partner puts the spousal relationship above any other relationship, including the ones with their parents.
4.Anticipate possible problems. Before your in-laws arrive, sit down with your spouse and make a list of the top-ten problems you can see happening during their visit. Brainstorm for ways to remedy the situation. 6-__________________ a solution and decide together that your spouse will be the one to talk with his or her parents about the problem if or when it arises. This will usually prevent in-laws from blaming their son-in-law or daughter-in-law for the solution that has been chosen. This also lets them know that their son or daughter is responsible for the decision that has been made and that his or her mind cannot be changed.
5.Set ground rules. When your in-laws come to visit you, remember that it’s your show! It’s your house, your relationship, and your rules. If your spouse 7-_____________________ or forgets to speak up, do not be afraid to gently remind your in-laws of the way you and your spouse have agreed to do things in your own home. It is best to say this in front of your spouse and for your spouse to explain to his or her parents that the rules have been established for the sake of your family’s peace of mind. Agree to do this before your in-laws arrive. Also, keep in mind that you do not have to be your in-laws’ parents. Allow your in-laws to do the things that they naturally do as much as possible unless it is disruptive to your marriage or family.
During the Visit
Most couples think that their lives have to stop when either set of parents arrives. This does not have to be the case. Following these simple tips will help ensure you maintain your normal pace of life during the visit:
1.Maintain your schedule. It is important for people, and especially children, to be able to maintain as much of their normal schedule as possible. So, instead of canceling your regular plans, maintain as much of your regular schedule as you can and arrange for your in-laws to be included in your plans. Or, you can help your in-laws make other plans for themselves that they would enjoy more. You can suggest that they see the sights of your city and you can direct them to some spots you think they might like. You may even find that your in-laws will want to spend some quality time together away 8-____________________________.
2.Involve your in-laws in your family life. Show them how you do things in your house and give them opportunities to help. You can also involve your in-laws by letting them baby-sit while you run some of your important errands. This will help you to get the things done you need to do and it will allow your in-laws to spend some quality time with their grandkids.
3.Stay on course. You and your spouse 9-______________ to develop a plan for avoiding possible conflicts. Stick to the script. Say exactly what you and your spouse have agreed to say (or don’t say what you’ve agreed not to say) while your in-laws are visiting. Deviating from your scripts will only confuse each other and give your in-laws an opportunity to over-step their bounds. If you want your in-laws to respect the rules that you and your spouse have established, then you must demonstrate consistency by sticking to your scripts.
4.Use direct communication. Avoid gossiping about your spouse to your in-laws. Avoid listening to your in-laws gossip or complain about your spouse. And avoid confiding in your in-laws about your marital or family problems. Instead, direct your complaints about your spouse to your spouse in private. Suggest that your in-laws do the same and refuse to listen to their complaints. You 10-______________________ “I think that you need to talk to him/her about that.” Likewise, if you’re tempted to confide in your in-laws about your marital or family troubles, know that it will only serve to further miscommunication, and break down the trust between you and your spouse. Always use direct communication.
5.Use humor every chance you get! It will lighten any awkward moments and will 11-______________________ in a polite way. For instance, your mother-in-law begins to do something that really irritates you. Instead of getting angry, simply laugh and say, “Oh, that’s so funny! This is the way we do it in our house!” Making light of a situation whenever possible can be more effective and requires less energy on your part than getting into an argument. Your in-laws will probably appreciate this approach much better, too.
6.Invite your friends. Most people shy away from the idea of having friends over when their in laws come for a visit. Having other people around 12-_____________________ that your in-laws are there is actually a great idea because it can buffer any kind of tension and it encourages everyone to be on their best behavior. It also gives you extra emotional support during this stressful time.
7.Take a break! Be sure to schedule quality time alone with your spouse and do not hesitate to take a timeout if arguments or conflicts arise. Everyone will be able to think and communicate more clearly when they are calm, cool, and collected.
After the Visit
After the in-laws have left, take some time with your spouse and children to discuss and reflect on the visit:
1.Accept your imperfections. 13-_______________________ your in-laws to like all of the ways that you and your spouse live your lives. They probably will have some complaints about how the house is kept, how the dishes are washed, how the furniture is arranged, how you wear your hair, how your kids are being raised, etc. And anytime your in-laws are not allowed to call the shots, you can expect them to be unhappy. So, anticipate that your in-laws are not going to approve of every single thing you do 14-_____________________ to be unhappy. You do not have to trade the rules that work for you and your family for the happiness or support of your in-laws.
2.Ask yourselves how it went. Ask your spouse and kids how they thought the visit went and what they thought could be improved, if anything. 15-__________________ liked and didn’t like. Take their opinions into consideration before you decide that any of the rules or ways of doing things around the house need to change. Decide for yourselves what worked well and what didn’t work well during the visit with your in-laws. Remember, it’s your show; and whatever rules you decide to change should be changed only because you all agree that it is in the best interest of your family to do things differently.
3.Take some time off. Once you and your spouse have decided what rules or ways of doing things around the house or within the family need to change, wait 30–60 days before planning another in-law visit. This will give both you and your family time to recuperate from the last visit and give all of you time to prepare for the next one. The 30–60 day waiting period will also give the whole family time to adjust to any new rules. Remind each other and your kids about the rules and the reasons why they’ve changed whenever it is necessary. Another reminder to your kids would also be helpful right before their grandparents 16-______________________ visit.
Visits from the in-laws can be pleasant and even fun when you, your spouse, and your kids are prepared. Armed with these techniques, you and your family will be ready for any eventuality. Have a great visit!